I’m really trying to stay positive, but sometimes knowing too much feels like the worst thing imaginable. Especially this year, my first year experiencing what it means to be hospitalized several times for medical issues I’ve never encountered before.

Everyone with far less education and lived experience than I have seems to love telling me what I’m going through, as though I asked. Last week, I had to address someone on a committee I previously served on. She claimed to understand how much grief I was experiencing and how difficult things must be for me. What’s funny is that I don’t know this person from a can of paint. Others stood for her & tried to silence me.

She’s a white woman who knows nothing about the Black experience in the United States. Which she should, she’s a top level person in a space where black maternal health disparities are a critical public health crisis. She’s older than I am, but my clinical knowledge and experience extend far beyond hers. She will never be able to speak to my level of expertise. That might sound like bragging, but it isn’t. Outside of this year, I rarely spoke about who I was, what I had accomplished, the communities I served, or the extent of my education because I knew it would eventually become a source of contention. And it did, the minute I stepped into the doulaverse.

I graduated from nursing school in 2008, but I’ve been a caregiver my entire life & spent close to 30 years caring for others professionally. Multiple degrees, countless credentials, and an almost irritating love of learning. I’ve always called myself a professional student, but I don’t want another degree. I don’t want another leadership position, either, unless it’s in a space where I genuinely feel safe.

I’ve had countless conversations with medical providers over the past several weeks. There’s an enormous body of research examining the lasting damage caused by COVID-19, which emerged in 2019. Some of what we're learning is devastating. It hurts to even discuss it because, somehow, some way, I still feel guilty for not being able to save more people. I felt that same guilt when my parents passed away. Just completely useless. That’s how my brain works sometimes. Being blamed for everything under the sun will do that to a person. It’s all part of psychological conditioning.

COVID-19 broke me in ways I’ve never publicly discussed. I saw too much, witnessed too much suffering, and once again found myself walking far too many people toward the end of their lives. There are things you witness in healthcare that never leave you.

Research continues to uncover the complicated relationship between COVID-19, immune function, and the reactivation of viruses such as varicella-zoster, which causes shingles. Studies have also documented cases of shingles in children following COVID-19 infections, although the relationship is still being investigated. Some of my own physician friends have cried while discussing what they're seeing in clinical practice. And I'm struggling to process some of it myself. I don't want to delve too deeply into subjects when I'm still trying to make sense of what I've learned.

My heart has always been with people affected by HIV/AIDS. HIV is another virus, one that has devastated communities while exposing some of the ugliest realities of healthcare inequity. In Black communities, where medical neglect and systemic inequities have persisted for generations, chronic stress becomes embedded in our lives & ultimately, our bodies. The physiological consequences of prolonged stress, including allostatic load and weathering, are well documented. These burdens contribute to serious disparities in chronic disease and health outcomes.

As I continued researching the long-term effects of COVID-19, I found myself asking difficult questions about immune dysfunction, viral persistence, and whether some of the complications we're observing might share features with other serious viral illnesses. I even explored research involving HIV/AIDS because I wanted to understand what scientists know, what remains uncertain, and what deserves further investigation.

I had to dig deep, forensics-level deep. And the more I learned, the more concerned I became about the people who are already medically vulnerable. Just one person suffering unnecessarily is one too many.

I'm pleading with people to do their research, advocate for themselves, and question systems that have repeatedly failed vulnerable populations. Please don't blindly trust the United States healthcare system to protect communities that have historically experienced discrimination, neglect, and unequal treatment. We have decades of evidence demonstrating why that trust must be earned.

If you or someone you know is experiencing hardships, struggling to navigate healthcare, or has questions about available resources, please contact me directly. My contact information is listed at the bottom of this page. I’m here for anyone & everyone of all ages, with the exception of anyone with bullying or twat tendencies, that’s a no thank you for me.

I pray that everyone who has dedicated their lives to caring for others knows that our work was not in vain. I pray that the people we lost are never forgotten. And I pray that those of us who are still here, still grieving, still healing, and still trying to make sense of everything we've experienced, find our way forward. I promise to help us find our way forward, no matter where I am in the world.

We can get things back together, but we need help getting there. We need compassion, accountability, education, and people willing to listen. Please read credible, evidence-based research. If you use AI on any platform, ask for factual information supported by verifiable sources and direct links. Take the time to confirm what you're reading, especially when it concerns your health.

Sending love to everyone who is hurting, healing, grieving, or trying to make it through another day. Love conquers all. No matter what happens, I will keep trying to hold that truth close to my heart. I wish I could hug all the good people right now. But I have/had shingles (nerve pain is on level King Bowser), so there’s that. Don’t talk about me either, I will send these cooties in your direction LOL.

I learned so much from my aunt’s. My dad was abused as a child. My dad was adopted by relatives. I’m floored right now; this is new information for me. Abuse runs in both sides of the family. This was a lot to learn but I’m grateful that I know this before I leave this earth. My aunt’s childhood mirrors mine. This isn’t a legacy that will continue ever again in my family, that’s on my name. I’m grateful the men in my family, my core family members, weren’t like that.

I love learning about my family; I encourage everyone to learn more about theirs.

Sending so much love.

ARS