Hey y’all,
I said to myself that I didn’t want to write anything here anymore. That I’d take a break, like I’ve been asked to by the Universe. I have so many bizarre things happening right now. I was 1000% done with the entire world. I felt like God told me in too many ways to sit the heck down.
But He’s been MIA, handing out people’s karma. I decided to make a quick appearance before He gets back. Something tells me He’ll be busy because Luci (Lucifer) decided to go on a rampage this year. I’m supposed to be working on my photography portfolio. This is an example of how procrastination will get you in trouble. That’s how I ended up here just chatting as usual.
The series Lucifer? Oh damn. The Sandman had me in a damn chokehold at the airport last Christmas when I returned from my dive in Mexico. The ocean was unusually rough, but hey, let’s go diving anyway! Says the divemaster. Now, this is the part of the story I left out.
In a past blog, one person stated that they were a great swimmer. I also mentioned that I do not know how to swim. LOL. My confidence is unbreakable once I put my mind to something, and I have no idea where that comes from. Passion? Familiarity? I have no clue.
As a kid, I loved the ocean. I imagined I was a mermaid until my loved one and I learned that the ocean is nothing to play with. I learned not to get too comfortable with her at a very early age.
The details of that story still sit heavy inside of me.
I was taken by a wave that dragged me to the bottom of the ocean. I swore I would never see another day in that moment. The panic inside of me filled the entire sea. I landed in a deep drop-off. I counted to ten, and before I knew it, I was back on the sand. People were shaking me like I was unconscious. I was very much conscious. I was counting the entire time. I looked at them like they were crazy and vomited half a gallon of water. I never want to talk about that again. I told my therapist to take that memory far away from me or delete it.
I never spoke about that time in my life because I refused to acknowledge it. That refusal pushed it so far back into my subconscious that I forgot it happened.
Until that infamous diving trip.
I’ll never forget. The feeling of fear was familiar, but understanding where it originated took hours before it clicked. I felt like a failure. I was so angry that I had taken so much time to become certified, only to ruin it in seconds. There was one more dive left.
I wasn’t going to go. Tears rolled down my face as I watched the ocean in awe. I still loved her. I still wanted to explore her waters and meet my sea puppy friends (sharks). My mother called herself a sea goddess, but she didn’t know how to swim. During a reading, I was told that my mother is the goddess of the sea. Yoruba and Cuban cultures speak her name. The reading revealed that I should never get too comfortable with the ocean. The Goddess of our seas loves me so much that she’ll try to keep me there for eternity.
The person who did my reading shared that my parents are still here protecting me. The person who introduced me to him said he never likes anyone. LOL. Same, King. But he seemed so enthralled with me that it even surprised her. He has since passed away. I still cry when I think about him.
He told me not to worry. This is my last lifetime, and if I choose to come back, it’ll be the best experience ever. I’ll opt for my wings & an Excedrin.
I don’t share these spiritual aspects with people often. In the birthwork community, though? We get TURNT. It’s a spiritual Universe whenever the real ones link up. Indigenous, Native, and AFRICAN birthworkers are LIT.
Now, wait a damn minute though. People have my white birthworkers feeling like WHAT? For standing with us, they get beat down? Well, so will your mama, playa. I don’t condone violence. If someone wants to get froggy, then leap. I hit back when I’m punched first. Just ask the past partners who tried it. Telling me I fight like a man after they abused me. How, Sway? No, fr, I’m asking. HOW does that even begin to make sense?
ANYWAY LOL.
People use intimidation tactics and turn them into a group project. It’s an F-, y’all. We’re sitting here looking at these people like, are y’all ok? Is it substance abuse, or is it your envy of us? Pick a side and go hang out with Luci. He’s been waiting for you.
We’re watching the series, though. The champagne glasses have been raised since the year started.
Yikes. Enjoy that everlasting BBQ pit, ok? Ok.
Now, I will turn our attention back to this dive.
I was crying, debating whether I should do it. I said, DAMN IT. I put my equipment back on and closed my eyes while waiting my turn. I descended slowly to 60 feet. My dive buddies, two people that I LOVE, were patient with me.
Oh my God.
I couldn’t believe how beautiful and serene the ocean floor was. I sat down and looked up at the surface of the water. I counted myself through the anxiety. Sharks circled above us, trying to show us their world. I followed them. Their energy was so soothing. Nemo wasn’t down, though. Hid in the coral that looked like a sparkling rainbow.
The sea turtles were GIGANTIC.
It felt like the best dream imaginable. I was scared, but I released it as much as I could.
I guess this experience mirrors what this year has looked like. Facing what I thought were my deepest fears, until I realized what my deepest fear actually was.
No one knows that secret, with the exception of sixteen people now. LOL.
I sat with my closest friends, people I met recently, and shared my grief that has occurred in places I didn’t expect it. I shared the story of wanting my three friends back. If they read this, they know who they are because I told them the same. People that I love with all my heart. Still. That’s my issue. I’m so used to being treated poorly that I just accepted it.
Until now.
I encourage everyone to step into their greatness, no matter what it looks like.
I’m still going through this shingles experience, which is lasting way longer than I wish to acknowledge. The pain feels like effing contractions, only my situation is on the side of my body where I carried my babies. The side that experiences the most pain. And across my boobs.
I’m looking at myself like, who tf would want me after hearing my life story?
The answer is outside, where I don’t wish to venture.
I need to get my MMR titers done. My immune system is not in a place where I feel comfortable getting vaccinated right now. My favorite provider on planet Earth told me someone they knew developed shingles after receiving the COVID vaccine, so vaccination is something I’m holding off on discussing further until I’m feeling better.
The gag is, I have a doctor’s note stating that I’m not to work for close to half of 2027.
I asked for that. I’m livid that this is causing me to possibly miss things I waited years for. I have so many big decisions to make, and I will do my best.
Let’s give this world what it deserves and stand together for once. Differences in political views shouldn’t make us adversaries.
Also, per my last email, Staten Island was blamed for flipping this city red.
Correction: NO, WE DID NOT. Please go read and kindly go back to school in the big crayon holder’s section. We don’t like blood, and we do not want blood on our hands. The people who bully us want to flaunt their affluence and try to swallow us whole. But it’s our turn to eat. Watch us work.
And don’t come over here complaining about the tolls but spend days out here in our green spaces and on our beaches. They don’t like you either. Gtf back to your borough and stay out.
People will love and hate you for the same reason. That’s weird & it smells like infatuation which is even worse.
And while we’re here, leave my birthworkers alone. Denouncing them is not on the BINGO card from here on out. Trust me, that smoke? You do not want.
I do, though!
What’s up, Playa from the Himalayas? Jerome’s in the house, so watch your mouth. :)
Ok, now here’s what you do. When you get there, you go to gate number seven, ok? Macaroni Tony will let you in--Martin, the best show ever.
That’s Se7en, like the seven deadly sins?
Asking for a friend.
In my world, I spoke to my favorite aunt, my daddy’s sister. I love the way she speaks about him. I love him so much. To hear about my mom and dad being freaking gross as hell together touches my heart. The short time they had together brought forward so much love. For that, I’m eternally grateful. On my dad’s side, I have the big family I always imagined. My aunt reached out to me because she saw me on Ancestry. Joining Ancestry changed my entire life.
I’ll get to talk to the oldest sibling, the Queen of our hearts, my auntie who is 86 years old. She lives in Florida, where the rest of my family is. The aunt I spoke to lives in Trenton, New Jersey. My heart is full. I still can’t believe all the love that this year has brought forward.
xoxo,
AJ
After the show is the after party
Happy New Moon, my loves!
Thank you so much for sticking by me. I have no idea why you’re here, and I could vomit because my analytics are going up a little too high, which means people are actually reading this?
OMG. I’m mortified and touched at the same time. I’m shy. Clumsy. Not the greatest at tech. I’ll stop here because people keep telling me to give myself grace. Grace is my name.
I’m not allowed to say I look like Chewbacca anymore. The men outside, of all ages, tell me I’m beautiful. I’ve gotten so many date requests, and I want to cry my eyes out because I just want to be left alone. The male gaze gets on my last nerve. I lost 30 pounds, and there’s no a$$ to see, bruh. I can’t look back at it anymore.
This is a very sensitive time in my life. I feel like I have scabies, and the itching and pain make me want to come out of my body.
Thank you for being here. As mortified as it makes me, it means the world to me.
This song, Psychic, Chris Brown & Jack Harlow, just came on. I’m dancing to it, but the record scratched because I was so confusion. I never knew these two even had a song together. Working like a runaway slave really had me missing stuff. They just aired me out. The anime part? I just rearranged my collection. Emo? Wth. I’m going to bed. My shingles are shingling, and I cannot.
Wishing you a beautiful October.
© 2026 Birth & Beyond, NYC. All rights reserved.